Ramblings of a Reluctant Homemaker

I love my family. I really do. My kids are great. The oldest two girls are sweet human beings who are kind to others, polite, and for the most part pretty helpful for being 14 and 11. The almost 2 year old is vivacious, alive, on-fire for life, and smart. The youngest, a boy, is sweet, cuddly, and not-so-bad for a 7 month old.  My husband is wonderful. He truly loves us, he really does. He’s helpful, works from home so we see him during the day, involved, and really wants his life just the way it is.  So, you say, what is the problem? It’s hard to explain, but I am nearly certain I am not the only one who feels this way…right?

I am reluctant. The dictionary defines reluctant as struggling in opposition and implies a sort of mental struggle, as between disinclination and sense of duty.  Yes! That’s it… My sense of duty says I have to do all this other stuff besides take care of the children and yet the mental struggle against it is overwhelming. What was Ms magazine talking about? We cannot "have it all". How do working mothers do it when the children are little? How do you work an at least eight hour day, come home, cook dinner, pay attention to your children for an hour, maybe two, then your husband, then go to bed, while still managing to get anything done around the house, to get up and do it all again the next day? I don’t feel like I can do any of “it” and I don’t have eight hours of something else to keep me busy.

Laundry for six people is overwhelming. I taught the two oldest to do their own. That should help right? Not really, they don't actually do it, they just wear less than clean clothes. Cooking is stressful. I am really not all that good at it. My husband decided we should go on the South Beach diet. It was nice because there was this great plan of meals to cook each night. The girls don't really like vegetables. Too bad you say.. yea me too but you kind of feel bad when they don't really eat. Keeping a five bedroom house clean-ish is really exhausting... I'm trying, but admittedly not doing so great there. 

So here it is- my journey to find my contribution as a wife and mother without losing myself in the process… I’m currently 36 and I really don’t have any idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Are you with me?