Relax...

I was reading a blog post this morning that asked about putting makeup on children. It made me remember how crazy I used to be over every little thing and reminded me how grateful I am that I can just let the little things go. The poor first born gets all the anxiety of being a new parent… what if this one little thing I did or didn’t do screws them up forever? 

It’s not that I don’t care anymore, it’s just there are things that matter now and things that just don’t. I pick my “battles” carefully, with children and in life. My time is valuable and I don’t choose to spend it being stressed out and aggravated about the ‘what ifs’- it’s liberating.

It isn’t that I no longer make mistakes. I do- a LOT of them. I can just forgive others and myself more freely now and accept that I’m not perfect and I don’t know everything, as a parent or a person. 

Sacrifice vs Contentment

I breast feed my children. My youngest, a 7 month old boy, had issues with milk proteins from birth. This was discovered by opening his diaper one when he was only weeks old, and discovering it full of blood. It probably would have scared the daylights out of me if I hadn’t already experienced it years ago with my now 14 year old daughter (when it DID scare the daylights out of me). I am certain the almost 2 year old would have had the same problem if I hadn’t been pretty good about dairy from the beginning with her and so it irritated her but I never had enough of it to cause such a severe reaction.

I dropped dairy from my diet. Not the funnest thing in the world to do but not so difficult really… only problem is, it didn’t go away. I continued to open his diaper change after change to lovely ribbons of blood mixed in with the rest of everything. He wasn’t comfortable either. He has reflux but it was more than that. His tiny little tummy hurt. So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. There is only one practice in the entire DC metro area. I should clarify- there is only one practice that accepts insurance. Apparently there was one doctor in a relatively new practice all by himself who is not set up with any insurance company. I thought that was so absurd I didn’t even bother to attempt an appointment. The appointment I could get with the GI was months away so we went to the pediatrician.

She told me to cut out soy too, and gluten was mentioned. Wow- no dairy, no soy, and no gluten? I ate lots of chicken, brocolli, and rice for many weeks. I became quite the label reader. Soy is in EVERYTHING. The blood went away eventually and then I got to go exploring. I found some amazing products I never knew existed before-Turtle Mountain makes this amazing product called So Delicious coconut milk. It is very tasty and the line has an ice cream made from coconut milk and coconut milk yogurt. Yummm. Costco carries a line of goat cheese slices. Wegman’s carries all kinds of goat cheese products. Apparently cow milk is the only thing that gives him such distress. I developed a near addiction to rice cakes and hummus- Sabra hummus… which I then discovered is made with soybean oil. Silly me for reading the front label which says Mediterranian and assuming it was made with olive oil (I still think it's delicious).

Then the gastro appt... the pretty little ribbons did finally go away. I had cut everything out at once so I wasn’t really sure what finally did it. The Gastroenterologist told me to reintroduce gluten. Sometimes a cause, but so rare she just couldn’t imagine that was it. That first piece of bread was SO yummy. She told us to come back again in 2 months to check in.

That was a long two months. My diet was getting old. It wasn’t so fun to try to find new ways to avoid the things I really missed. I didn’t feel like formula was an option. I mean realistically, sure, I am certain if it became necessary there is a formula out there that would have worked for him, but I just felt like the trial and error to get there wasn’t worth it. The known was less scary- he was already miserable but he seemed to be getting better. I just didn’t feel like risking changing anything else. The pediatrician even agreed she didn’t really want to try to find one for him if I was willing to stick it out. It wasn’t that bad, really.

Appointment day was here and the GI said all looked good. I almost forgot to ask about his diet. She left the room and I had to track her down. “What should I do about dairy in his diet? Do I wait until he’s one to introduce it? How do we handle it.?” She asked if I was eating dairy yet and seemed surprised that I said no. I explained that soy was in a few of the things I’d eaten before I realized it and she said Great, reintroduce dairy slowly and see what happens. Once you’re sure he isn’t reacting, then introduce dairy for him too. I should be thrilled right? But the exhilaration was short lived. I didn’t really have anything to focus on now. It was my job to come up with ways to eat without looking like a freak and I’d just been fired. I’m not a martyr, so why was it so much easier to sacrifice than to just be content with life?

Ramblings of a Reluctant Homemaker

I love my family. I really do. My kids are great. The oldest two girls are sweet human beings who are kind to others, polite, and for the most part pretty helpful for being 14 and 11. The almost 2 year old is vivacious, alive, on-fire for life, and smart. The youngest, a boy, is sweet, cuddly, and not-so-bad for a 7 month old.  My husband is wonderful. He truly loves us, he really does. He’s helpful, works from home so we see him during the day, involved, and really wants his life just the way it is.  So, you say, what is the problem? It’s hard to explain, but I am nearly certain I am not the only one who feels this way…right?

I am reluctant. The dictionary defines reluctant as struggling in opposition and implies a sort of mental struggle, as between disinclination and sense of duty.  Yes! That’s it… My sense of duty says I have to do all this other stuff besides take care of the children and yet the mental struggle against it is overwhelming. What was Ms magazine talking about? We cannot "have it all". How do working mothers do it when the children are little? How do you work an at least eight hour day, come home, cook dinner, pay attention to your children for an hour, maybe two, then your husband, then go to bed, while still managing to get anything done around the house, to get up and do it all again the next day? I don’t feel like I can do any of “it” and I don’t have eight hours of something else to keep me busy.

Laundry for six people is overwhelming. I taught the two oldest to do their own. That should help right? Not really, they don't actually do it, they just wear less than clean clothes. Cooking is stressful. I am really not all that good at it. My husband decided we should go on the South Beach diet. It was nice because there was this great plan of meals to cook each night. The girls don't really like vegetables. Too bad you say.. yea me too but you kind of feel bad when they don't really eat. Keeping a five bedroom house clean-ish is really exhausting... I'm trying, but admittedly not doing so great there. 

So here it is- my journey to find my contribution as a wife and mother without losing myself in the process… I’m currently 36 and I really don’t have any idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Are you with me?